Look Back on Eric Dane’s Life and Career in My Book of Days: A Memoir in Moments

In the book written by the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ star before his death, he reflects on his career, addiction and recovery, devotion to his family and battle with ALS

Dane first started noticing something felt off on Jan. 7, 2024.

I’m eating sushi with my kids and suddenly I can’t work the chopsticks with my right hand. My hand tingles, and then my fingers feel numb. Some kind of weird nerve thing, I think. I shake it off. I’m probably texting too much. Three weeks later, it happens again, only worse. I can’t grip the chopsticks at all. 

After nine months of searching for answers, Dr. Mark Terrelonge, associate program director of neurology residency at the University of California, San Francisco, diagnoses him with ALS. He calls Gayheart in his car after the appointment.

We were married for 14 years, grew apart, filed for divorce, but never got around to signing the papers. We’ve since stayed close, co-parenting, going on vacations as a family, spending time together and now we talk every day.

I say to Rebecca on the phone, “It’s what we feared.”

I don’t remember a single word I said after that. I remember only feeling a violent impact, like getting the wind knocked out of me, and Rebecca wailing on the other end of the phone, and then I really lose it, and my sobs make my body shudder, and I hear her words pouring out amid her tears, “I’m here, we’ll fight this together, I’m not going anywhere.”

As he sits with his diagnosis, he feels calm, present and determined and vows to fight for his family.

“I’m going to take this on. I’m going to fight. I’m going to show my girls how to walk through this life with grace and dignity, no matter what. I am going to FIGHT. This has become my purpose. My reason. This is now my job.”

Dane and Gayheart had weathered storms together before. At the height of his Grey’s Anatomy fame around 2008, he relapsed in his painkiller addiction after herniating a cervical disc in his neck while working out.

My body goes to s—. I drop to 170, my face caves in, my eyes cloud, I look gaunt; s—, I look like a drug addict. You can tell. I can tell. My attitude on set changes. I’m no longer bubbly, the fun guy, a ringleader in laughs. I don’t act out. I don’t throw tantrums or chairs. I go the other way. I bring everything inside. I dissolve. I go quiet, I stare off at nothing. I suffer. I’m suffering without talking about it to anyone. I try not to come to work high — that’s my rule, my edict, my nonnegotiable promise to myself — but a couple times, I can’t help it.

I feel other members of the cast looking at me. They’re my friends. My work family. No. My family. They don’t judge me. They don’t look angry. They look concerned. They look sad.

Dane had previously dealt with addiction struggles in his 20s. 

I call that my dark period. I auditioned for a few roles, got cast in some, but mainly I did drugs. I got high, I got stoned, I got wasted, I shot up, I freebased, I did every drug imaginable. Here’s a partial list: Booze, pot, acid. Heroin. Cocaine. Mushrooms. Mescaline. Crystal meth. Crack. Painkillers. Fistfuls of painkillers. Buckets of painkillers. Vicodin, Percocet, OxyContin, you name it, everything on the market. All the benzos. Xanax. Valium. All the muscle relaxers. All the uppers. Adderall. Ritalin. I don’t think there’s a drug I didn’t try.

After a series of fruitless auditions, Dane had almost given up on acting until he booked Grey’s in 2005. His early memories from the set are happy. 

During rare downtimes and moments of reflection, I pinch myself. In a blink, I’ve gone from malcontent with a dwindling savings account, drowning myself in bags of Doritos, having one foot out the door of show business, to an actual television star. 

It’s not always easy. The world outside craves gossip, constantly digging for dirt. Because Patrick [Dempsey] and I play rivals on the show, people want to know if we’re friends off the show. We must hate each other. Patrick shuts that down. “We’re best friends. We laugh a lot.” Perfect answer, and true. 

As his addiction progresses and his attitude changes on Grey’s, show creator Shonda Rhimes pulls him aside several times to tell him she will “take care” of him if he needs a break. During hiatus, he goes to rehab. He’ll go five times over the course of the show.

Over time, I come out improved. I do my best. I manage my addictions, I stay sober on set. But things have changed. Look at me. Physically, I appear healthy. But mentally, I’m on my way out. I love Mark Sloan, but I need to quit him. I feel as if I’ve squeezed every ounce of life out of that character, have investigated and mined every nuance of his being. I’ve spent eight years living in his skin, and my time has come. I’ve had enough. But I don’t know how to get off that train.

Towards the end of season 8 in 2012, Rhimes tells him he’s not coming back for the next season.

My Grey’s Anatomy ending does come, but not because of my addiction, although it’s safe to say my addiction didn’t help. The reason comes down to money … Despite Mark Sloan’s popularity, I have become too expensive. I have become expendable.

His next major role is in TNT’s drama The Last Ship. While filming the show in 2017, he checks into a treatment center for his depression, shutting down production for six weeks. A year later, his marriage collapses.

My work hours, my addiction complications, the times I’m away, the times I’m here but not here, all weigh on Rebecca, smother her, disappoint her, infuriate her. I get it, I see it, I don’t fight it.

Gayheart files for divorce in 2018 after 14 years of marriage. They move into separate homes but stay connected.

We leave our marriage, but we don’t leave our family. Rebecca and I are not a couple anymore. Usually, almost always, we’re not a couple. But we are, always, a family.

By 2020, they’ve started dating other people. As they begin to finally sort their divorce paperwork out, Dane receives his ALS diagnosis, and they never get around to signing the papers.

Through it all, Rebecca not only shows up, she remains my best friend. She drops by every day, early in the morning, late at night, sometimes in the middle of the night when she knows I won’t be sleeping. She’s the person I call, the one I go to when I need to talk, when I need to scream, when I need to cry.

While on vacation in Antigua following his diagnosis in 2024, Dane has to be saved by Georgia and her friend from the water after he realizes he doesn’t have the power to swim. Gayheart is the first person he calls.

Georgia hands me my phone.

“What happened?” Rebecca says.

Via: People