18 Jokes Cut From ‘The Roast of Kevin Hart,’ From His Sex Tape to Vegas Cheating Scandal

On Sunday night, TV viewers could opt for the latest distressing episode of HBO’s “Euphoria,” or a lighter affair on Netflix in “The Roast of Kevin Hart,” wherein a motley crew of celebs punched down — literally — at the diminutive star live from the Kia Forum in Los Angeles.

With roastmaster Shane Gillis presiding over the chucklefest, the evening saw retired NFL quarterback and FTX victim Tom Brady get revenge on Hart for the jabs he received during the hugely popular “Roast of Tom Brady” two years ago.

“All right, this won’t take long, because, as you guys know, I’m a busy man,” cracked Brady. “But I do have a few words for you before I return to my affairs in Las Vegas. Oh, wait, I’m talking about affairs in Las Vegas. Was that off? Not supposed to talk about affairs in Vegas? I think I broke another rule. Fuck it. I talked about it.” (Brady was referring to Hart’s admission that he’d cheated on his then-pregnant wife in Vegas back in 2017.)

Hart’s pal and frequent co-star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson popped by to throw a few haymakers at his sexual prowess, saying his wife “deserves an Academy Award for pretending she likes to fuck you,” while Katt Williams and Hart seemingly reached a détente in their years-long beef, with Williams quipping, “Bitch, this is my Riyadh Comedy Festival.”

There were, however, a number of excellent jokes that didn’t make the final cut. But fortunate for you, dear reader, my good friend — and one of the funniest people I know — Madison Sinclair was one of the comedy writers hired to cook up jokes for the various actors, musicians and comics who participated in “The Roast of Kevin Hart.”

Here are some of her best jokes that didn’t make the roast:

DRAYMOND GREEN

“Draymond Green is a lot like Megan Thee Stallion: They’re famous for letting other people shoot and he hasn’t been the same since Klay Thompson left.”

“Draymond is so cute — he has that thing where his mouth is always a little open. That’s one of the things he and Chelsea have in common.”

LIZZO

“Lizzo broke barriers when she danced as a stripper in ‘Hustlers,’ mostly because they weren’t properly enforced.”

SHANE GILLIS

“Shane Gillis only lasted two weeks in basic training. The closest he’s come to becoming a veteran is his views on Asians.”

“Shane turned down during the Riyadh Comedy Festival because he has integrity… and he can’t go 48 hours without a drink.”

TONY HINCHCLIFFE

“Tony has the license plate iRoast, which is what we all hope for every time he gets behind the wheel.”

“Tony is like Melania: The only thing relevant about him is that he opened for Trump once.”

CHELSEA HANDLER

“You might know Chelsea from being on E! for over a decade… she also had a famous talk show for a while.”

KEVIN HART

“Kevin is one of the few comedians without a single allegation. When he found out about the MeToo movement he was shocked. He was like, people are saying no to things?!”

“Did you know that Kevin actually has a nonprofit for organ donation called ‘Heartless?’ That’s not true. But doesn’t that sound like some dumb shit he would do?”

“If Kevin can make a pun with the word ‘heart’ in it, he will spend millions to develop a shitty business around it.”

“Kevin, thank you so much for being here tonight. I know you have such a busy schedule with stand-up… movies… sitting on that shelf every ChVarietyristmas.”

“Kevin, I was so disappointed when you did the Riyadh Comedy Festival because on a human-rights level no one should be forced to listen to your comedy sober.”

“Kevin, you are so talented — but you are the worst cheater. With your build, I assumed you’d be better at sneaking around.”

“Kevin Hart is such a sell-out even his sex tape had commercial breaks.”

“Kevin Hart is always on the worst platforms: Quibi, Tubi, the ones he puts on when he argues with his wife.”

“Kevin said he was only joking when he said he would throw a doll house at a gay child. But we invited Tony [Hinchcliffe] here tonight just to make sure.”

“Kevin, why were you hooking up with women in cars? If you wanted to cheat and get away with it, you should have gone somewhere desolate, a no man’s land, somewhere no one would ever go by any means necessary… like Hart House on La Brea.”

Via: Variety